Blasphemy
by Dolphingirl32173
Summary: The words were the blackest of blasphemy. Full Summary Inside


Blasphemy

DG32173

Sarah: here's a sort-of alteration of book two, New Moon. It's gonna be a one-shot angst/tragedy. I hope I don't depress you too much. Please review when you're done reading.

_**!!!WARNGINS!!!**_  
Alternate Universe, suicide, cursing, etc. SPOILERS!

_**SUMMARY**_  
The words were the blackest of blasphemy. I thought it would take hours to convince her of them. It hurt when she believed them so quickly. What hurt worse was that I didn't realize that I had become the reason she kept breathing… _**Bella/Edward**_ _Edward's POV_

STORY

"_Bella, I don't want you to come with me," I said. 'Lies!' I thought._

"_You … don't … want me?" she asked in confusion._

"_No." 'Hideous stupid lies!'_

"_Well, that changes things," she said calmly, though her eyes were in turmoil. 'What?' I wondered_

"_Of course, I'll always love you … in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm … _tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human. 'Partially true.'_

"_Don't. Don't do this." 'I don't want to.'_

"_You're not good for me, Bella." 'I'm not good enough for you.'_

"_If … that's what you want._

_I nodded. "I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much to ask."_

"_Anything."_

"_Don't do anything reckless or stupid." 'Please, please, please don't!' "Do you understand what I'm saying?" I asked. She nodded. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself … for him." 'For me too.'_

"_I will," she whispered, nodding again. My silent heart was breaking as she accepted all this so _easily_, as if she had known I would one day leave her._

"_And I'll make you a promise in return." 'This is so cruel!' "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." 'She already looks broken' I forced a gentle smile. "Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." 'So true.'_

"_And you're memories?" she whispered._

"_Well," I said, hesitating for a fraction of a second. "I won't forget. But _my_ kind … we're very easily distracted." I smiled again. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."_

How I hate myself for doing that to her. Alice had seen her lose what made her most beautiful: her spirit. I figured she'd get over it after a few weeks. But every time I checked in with Alice, Bella hadn't changed except to turn into a zombiefied state.

But that isn't what has me here in Forks again, standing in her yard with her father glaring death at me while composing himself to talk as rationally as possible. What has me here was another vision of Alice's, which I'm praying to whatever deity would listen is false. "She never got over you, ya know," Charlie finally grinds out. "That's probably why she did it."

His thoughts are careful not to think about her, and that has me most worried. Charlie Swan never stops thinking about his daughter and worrying for her.

"Did what?" I manage to ask.

Charlie gulps down a lump in his throat. "She went to first beach in La Push during a nasty storm two days ago. She told me that she was going to hang out with Jacob Black. She never came home and when I went to see Jacob, he was surprised that she had supposedly gone to visit him. The entire town and most of the Quileutes searched for her. We found her last night on first beach," Charlie says, tears in his eyes. His mental refusal to think about that breaks and I can clearly see the image of her bruised and bloody dead body in his mind as he had seen her on the beach. My stomach twists sickly at the image. "She had jumped off one of the cliffs during the storm and drowned." Charlie glares at me. _"You_ were her reason for living! And you left her!" he snarls. "You'll _never_ know just how badly you broke her!" he yells. "Even if she had lived, she would _never_ have been the same girl _ever_ again! It's _your_ fault she's dead!" Charlie thinks of one of my promises and scoffs. "You promised you wouldn't let anything bad happen to her again, that you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if something did happen! Hah! If you actually _meant_ that, you wouldn't have left her!" He picks up the rifle he had set on the ground. He aims the gun at me, not knowing that I am, quite literally, bullet-proof. "Now get off my land and out of Forks! And don't you _ever_ think about coming back!"

I bow my head and back away to my Volvo. I get in and take off down the street to the airport. It is very easy to get a ticket for the very next flight to Italy, despite it being almost completely full. The entire time, I am wondering why she would do this and how she could have so easily believed that I didn't care for her.

I have a feeling that the Volturi won't easily grant me what I so desperately want: death. Or whatever it is we do. I had told her once that I could not live without her. Had she taken those blasphemous words so seriously that she figured those canceled out everything else I said? That they canceled out my absolute love for her?

The answers to my questions are obvious from her actions: yes, she had. But her reasons for taking them so quickly to heart evade me, and now I won't ever know why. I leave the airport and quickly make my way to Volterra.

"_Don't."_

I freeze and look around. That had been Bella's voice. I shake my head. Bella is dead and is never coming back. I continue heading for Volterra, trying to decide what will most set them off to force them to kill me.

"_Edward, don't!"_

I ignore the voice in my had. I've had plenty of practice doing that. Besides, those words could easily have come from my memory of her.

"_So help me, Edward! If you do this, I will _never_ forgive you!"_

I freeze look around again. I had never heard her say that before. "I think I might be losing it," I murmur so softly a vampire would have to be right next to me to hear it. Then I take off for Volterra again. I freeze again when I feel something _cold_ wrap around my left wrist and seem to tug. Vampires don't _sense_ cold! That's the main reason I stop. Another is that the cold pressure is in the exact same shape as Bella's right hand had been.

"_Edward, don't do this!"_

The voice sounds _so_ close to my left and so much like Bella that I jerk my head to the left. It felt that if I turned fast enough, I'd see her standing next to me. What I _do_ see is a ripple in the air to my left. The ripple is in the shape of a female body. The right 'hand' of the air ripple is wrapped around must be losing it," I murmur.

"_Dammit Edward! I wish you could read my mind already! I may be dead, but I don't want YOU killing yourself from guilt!"_ her voice comes angrily from the ripple in the air.

"Guilt?! You think I'm doing this from _guilt?"_ I demanded angrily. Okay, I am _definitely_ going crazy. Talking to a ripple in the air beside me that has Bella's voice as if it were Bella herself there. World's very first insane vampire, Edward Cullen.

The ripple scoffs and seems to become a bit more solid, showing the faint outline of a woman's body. _"Why else? _You're_ the one who said we shouldn't be together, that I'm 'not good' for you. I'm not good enough for you, I've known that _all_ along. So I got myself out of your way so you and your family could return to a place you love!"_ As it talks, the ripple becomes more and more solid, finally showing Bella in a ghostly, see-through fashion. I open my mouth to retort to this hallucination, ghost, whatever it is when it holds up one hand. _"Who cares what Charlie said? You're bullet-proof. Sure, Jacob and the Quileute werewolves might be pissed off, but the treaty stops them from attacking you off their land."_

My eyes narrow. "The wolves are back? And what do you know of the treaty?" I demand.

The apparition rolls her eyes. _"It seems when someone dies, they learn a _lot_ about those around them,"_ she says. _"I could see into Jacob Black's mind when he touched my body. He was furious that the treaty stopped him and the pack from hunting you down and tearing you apart for my death."_ She shakes her head. _"But I could only see a little about what those who actually touched me were thinking but a lot about there past."_ She sighs. _"I am sorry I hurt Charlie like I did. But what he did was uncalled for,"_ she says. She glares at me. _"And what you're doing out of guilt is also completely uncalled for!"_ she growls, grabbing my wrist again.

"You don't' know anything," I growl back. "This _isn't_ guilt!"

"_Don't you _dare_ say it's 'love',"_ she snarls. _"You wouldn't have left if it were. I don't care if Jasper _did_ try to take a bite out of me!"_

"I left _because_ I love you!" I hiss at her. "It was dangerous for you to be around me, you were always getting into dangerous situations; so I left to keep you safe! _That_ seems to have backfired!"

She looks shocked. _"You left for me?"_ she gasps in surprise. She opens her mouth to say something, but turns to look at something as if someone had called her; her eyes widen drastically and she shakes her head furiously. _"I don't want to go,"_ she whispers angrily to something I can't see.

"What are you talking about?" I ask.

She turns back to me. _"It's calling me. It has been since I died."_

"_What_ is calling you?" I demand.

"_A light,"_ she replies. _"It keeps calling me to come through."_ She shakes her head angrily. _"I won't go through!"_ she growls fiercely.

"A light?" I ask in confusion.

"_A light from above. It calls to those who pass on; a woman is standing in the light, calling me and saying to let you come with me,"_ she says, sounding confused. _"She says that you know her 'daughters' in Alaska. She says that even her kind are allowed in the light."_

My eyes widen in surprise. There are only a few girls in Alaska I know that have lost their mother-figure "Her kind?" I ask weakly, not wanting to believe.

"_Vampires,"_ Bella supplies. She shakes her head angrily. _"I'm not ready!"_ she yells at the female vampire in the light she sees. She turns to me again. _"She says there are only two other options for me if I don't go through soon."_

"What options?" I ask.

"_The Darkness or reincarnation."_

"Darkness?" I ask, confused again.

"_Hell. It's not red and fiery like the living make it out to be. It's all dark and agony and pain flow out of it."_ She turns and scowls at the light she sees. _"I am not coming yet!"_ she growls. She snarls at the area she is staring at after a moment. _"Fine! I'll go with option B!"_

"Option B?" I ask curiously.

"_Reincarnation,"_ Bella replies smoothly, still scowling at the air. She turns back to me with a smile. _"I'll reincarnate for you. Look for me."_

"Will you remember me?" I ask warily.

"_The woman says my heart and spirit will, and that's what will count,"_ she says. She looks over her shoulder angrily. _"Fine, I'll tell him!"_ she snaps

"Tell me what?" I ask.

"_She says that a reincarnate whose spirit had killed itself in the previous life over heartbreak will lose it's new parents young and _must_ find their soul mate again soon after. She won't tell me why. My soul mate is you."_ She turns back to the spirit while I absorb this information. _"What do you mean by that?"_ she demands suddenly. A mixture of emotions play over her face, ending in a smile. _"Really?"_ she asks happily. _"Sweet!"_

"What are you talking about?" I demand.

"_She says that I can choose the location of my birth and keep my first name and personality,"_ she says happily, not turning around. Suddenly her smile turns to an angry scowl. _"What?!"_ she asks. _"Aw man! Why so long? Fine!"_ she snaps.

"What do you mean, 'why so long'?" I ask.

"_The lady says that I have to wait until most of those who knew us pass on, move away, or reach really old age if I want to be reborn in Forks,"_ Bella says. _"She says that it will be a while until that happens."_ She pauses, then her scowl turns to a silent snarl. _"She says I can't talk to you after today because my ability to talk to the living will fade quickly. She says that the next time I can talk to you as a spirit will be just before I am to be reborn."_ She pauses. _"Unless you absolutely need my help with something, that will be the only exception."_ She reaches her hand up to touch my face. _"Wait for me, Edward,"_ she whispers. _"I will return to you, I promise. Just be patient and wait for me."_

"Forever," I whisper, reaching up to touch her cheek out of instinct. My hand goes right through her face, reminding me again why she is see-through.

She shudders when my hand goes through her. _"You won't believe how _weird_ that felt,"_ she mutters. She leans forward and presses her lips to mine. I feel a cool pressure on my lips. _"Keep your promise and wait for me. I will return to you,"_ she says, her visage fading into the air ripple again. _"I love you Edward. I will love you forever …,"_ she says, her voice trailing off as the air ripple that is her spirit fades away.

* * *

Sarah: well, that turned out differently than I had expected when I started it. And I _do_ intend on making a sequel. The sequel will be a full-blown fanfic. Please be patient as I start working on it. Also PLEASE REVIEW! Thank you. Hope you enjoyed and will wait as patiently as humanly possible for the sequel!


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